Friday, March 24, 2006

Verletzen

Well. I began this post joyfully, but that was yesterday. Things change, sometimes becoming the exact opposite of their past belonging.

"And only the good die young stops me in my tracks..."

You always feel closer to somebody after they’re dead...

As Mrs. H stared at the bulletin, her face changed drastically. She no longer looked like the triumphant, young, happy band director she was a moment ago, when we had all played the piece nearly perfectly. Not that I’d noticed, I was too busy joking around with Kevin and Zac. Her voice came out of no where, stunning us into silent obedience. "Sit down...Everyone, come in here and sit down." We all looked at her, dumbstruck, and found chairs or dropped to our bottoms on the floor. "I..." Her voice broke as Cassie walked back into the room, her face red and tears streaming down her cheeks.
She began reading aloud as we all stared, first at Cassie and her, then at our feet until one by one, our eyes all closed, fighting back the hot, angry tears that waited to spill over the brims of our eyes. "As some of you may have heard, ‘This morning at approximately five-till eight, one of our students was lost from us. Sasha Shalbot," I heard murmurs of, ‘oh no, no...’, and Mrs. H continued. "Sasha Shalbot was in a car accident this morning. It claimed her life. We encourage students to please remain on campus if at all possible. All of the pastors and preachers available are walking around...’" Her voice droned on, but I wasn’t sure what she said. I looked up and around me through blurry eyes, not even sure but by the sobs that anyone else was crying.
Of course they were, though. Sasha Shalbot, a childhood friend of mine, just one year, one year older than me. Gone...I heard one guy loud and clear over everyone else as reality struck him hard upon the heart. "Oh my gosh. She’s really fucking dead." I guess I just fully realized it myself when he said that, and I bent over, burying my head in my hands, sobbing softly and rocking gently back and forth. No, my mind reasoned, they have to be lying. There’s no way. I just saw her yesterday...Just flipping yesterday...
God, it’s just not fair. Those were the first words out of my mouth. A curse, and yet a plea. Whispered softly, I hope no one heard them, and I tried again, this time a sincere question. "God, why?" My only reply was the soft sobbing of my classmates, and the stupid bell. None of us felt like moving, and as I shuffled to my locker, my head down, teary eyes all but closed. I angrily grabbed up my books for the next class, in the next building, occupying this next hour. Next. Must I always think of next? Right then I just wanted to sit and cry. And that’s exactly what I did when I got to the American History room. I cried on the inside, a tear slipping out once in a while, willing myself to be strong for everyone else. We did absolutely nothing but talk about Sasha, and it seemed at that moment that everyone had been in love with her at some time. Now. After she was gone. We all realized that we still were. I wondered to myself how many people had ever told her that she meant something to them.


"I will praise You in this storm, and I will lift my hands. ‘Cause You are who You are, no matter where I’ve been. And every tear I’m crying, You hold in Your hands. And though my heart is torn... I will praise You in this storm."

Just because the sun sets, or is behind a cloud, doesn’t mean it’s not there...


"And I mourn the loss of a good old friend.
Hanging onto the memories, holding on to you.
But they're slipping away like the years behind me,
And I hope, oh I pray for you..."
-Good Old Friend- A song I wrote

In memory; to one of the few who always seemed to have a smile for everyone.

We love you, Sasha.


Well, it's goodbye, then.
For now...
But we'll see you again.
I'm sure...

"The Day that Time Stood Still"
By Mindi Powell, 3-24-06
"As the sleet comes down in sheets,
Stinging cruelly, like my hot tears, at my cheeks.
I'm stunned into silence, still
Three hours after you were lost.
I look up, wondering at God's will,
You were ripped away from us; a costly cost.
I imagine your mother, how she must feel
And a funeral for my friend, cuts my heart, and becomes suddenly all too real."

Irony of ironies, the song we played in band right before we knew, was "Come, Sweet Death". We didn't know why the chills were going up our spines at the beautifully tragic piece.

It's not right, you know, for someone to have to bury thier kid. Or their Sophomore friend.

From "Gone Too Soon"; Mindi Powell
"We tried to make you feel welcome
In this humble world of our mothers and fathers.
And it worked, if just for a little while.
Sixteen years, and two months to be exact;
The newness wore off, your soul became slightly uncomfortable.
And now we're left mourning, wanting you back,
It's not ever going to be right, no matter how you died
To bury a friend, seems distant and surreal, in the worst way.
But now, through tears, looking up at the sky,
I bid you a heartfelt, yearning and hating good-bye."

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Won't last forever...no never ever ever....

"Run for your lives, the sky is on fire!
Nay, nay, 'tis useless to run, let us face the son...."
I love You with everything in me.
Wait.... You are everything that is in me.

Everyone should endure a little rain. The Son promised that He'll always be there. And He's still reminding us...


'Cause you know the rain won't last forever...
"I will praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands! 'Cause You are who You are- no matter where I've been. And every tear I cry, You hold in Your hands... And though my heart is torn... I will praise You in this storm..."

Monday, February 20, 2006


I think I'm in love....

With someone named Doug.

And he's really amazing, it seems he's all I've ever wanted.

He thought about holding my hand yesterday.

I almost cried when he told me.

And I'm about to cry now, but I want to stand up and shout and scream for joy.

He told me I was beautiful.

I think love you, Doug.